Archive Page 2
#31: A Joke About Habeas Corpus
Legal scholars have decried the weakening of habeas corpus by the Bush administration, claiming that it might be unconstitutional. Most Americans, not knowing what habeas corpus means, also didn’t know they’d just consented to a higher risk of being incarcerated and violated by a 300-pound inmate named Tiny without the right to a real trial.
Filed under: Law, politics | 2 Comments
#30: A Joke About The Flu
The CDC announced that flu vaccine makers will provide 115 million doses of vaccine to the U.S. this year. Doctors are aiming to vaccinate the most vulnerable first, including children, the elderly and Rick Santorum (R-PA).
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#29: A Joke About Las Vegas
Representative Jim Gibbons, the Republican canidate for the Nevada governorship, has been accused of grabbing a waitress and shoving her against a Las Vegas parking garage wall this past friday. Gibbons is quoted as saying “I may have assaulted that waitress, but I did not choke Don Sherwood’s mistress.”
Filed under: Crime, politics | Leave a Comment
#28: A Joke About NBC
Based on the success of the fledgling network’s hit Deal or No Deal, NBC has adapted another popular European gameshow, 1 VS 100, in which one contestant takes on the entire NBC viewership.
The Story
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Republican Congressional candidate Tan Nguyen admitted that a staff member sent out a letter threatening latino voters with jail-time and possible deportation if they voted in the upcoming election. Nguyen, an immigrant himself, said he would never suppress Latino voters and that he encourages them to go to the polls on November 8th.
Filed under: Crime | Leave a Comment
#26: A Joke About Money
Justice Charles E. Ramos issued a 72-page decision today declaring that Richard A. Grasso, the former head of the New York Stock Exchange, would have to return roughly $80 million of his $139.5 million compensation package. Mr. Grasso is still very wealthy, but he’ll no longer be able to light his Cuban cigars with Gutenberg bibles, and will instead have to settle for using $100 bills like the rest of us.
Filed under: Business | Leave a Comment
#25: A Joke About Don Sherwood
President Bush announced that he would be making last minute visits to Republicans in tight races this week. Notable among his stops will be an appearance with Rep. Don Sherwood (R-PA), who has admitted to having a five-year extramarriatal affair, but denies claims that he frequently abused and choked his mistress. President Bush will use his gifts as a uniter to bring together both the anti-fidelity and pro-choking voters in Sherwood’s district.
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#24: A Joke About Tag
Willett Elementary School in suburban Massachusetts has decided to ban the game of tag from the school, deeming it too violent. This comes on the heels of a proposal from Texas governor Rick Perry, banning children from school.
Filed under: Education | Leave a Comment
#23: A Joke About Slurpees
The Chicago White Sox have struck a promotional deal with convenience store chain 7-Eleven to start all home games at 7:11. The White Sox organization is hoping this is more effective than last year’s deal with Circle K, which honestly did not make a goddamn lick of sense.
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#22: A Joke About Space
President Bush announced a revised space policy aimed at blocking forces the U.S. deems hostile from accessing space. Details of the plan have yet to be annouced, but sources deep inside the Bush administration indicate that the plan revolves around selling the country’s enemies our current, foam-based rocket systems.
Filed under: Science, politics | Leave a Comment
Chris Rock’s mother, Rose Rock, claims she was descriminated against at a Cracker Barrel restaurant in South Carolina after her and her daughter were ignored for more than 30 minutes by the wait staff. A spokesman for the Tennessee-based chain responded “It’s called the CRACKER Barrel, the CRACKER Barrel. We literally put a sign on the building saying it’s food for white people.”
Filed under: Celebrities | 1 Comment
#20: A Joke About Living Strong
In an interview with Details, Lance Armstrong reveals that the nicknames for himself a friend Matthew McConaughey are “LiveStrong” and “J.K. Livin.” Also, they engage in anal sex, but it’s not a gay thing.
Filed under: Celebrities | Leave a Comment
#19: A Joke About Republicans
Republicans are now under fire from evangelical conservative voters for allegedly harboring numerous gay staffers and congressman. Some have begun so far as to try to purge the gay members from the party. Asked by the GOP if purging gay Republicans made them horny, the Family Reserach Council answered “A little,” to which the GOP replied “Cool!”
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#18: A Joke About Appeals
At the behest of Ken Lay’s estate, a Houston judge threw out the disgraced CEO’s conviction and indictment, because he’s not alive to appeal. Ken Lay’s animated corpse was reportedly “ecstatic” at the judge’s decision.
Filed under: Business, Crime | Leave a Comment
#17: A Joke About Drugs
Lester Crawford, the former commissioner of the FDA, has plead guilty to falsely reporting the sale of stocks he owned that would be seen as a conflict of interest to the job. In Crawford’s defense, anybody would make some mistakes if their place of business had an all-you-can-eat oxycontin buffet.
Filed under: Crime | Leave a Comment
#16: A Joke About Immigration
The population of the United States reached 300,000,000 persons this morning. When reached for comment this morning, the 300,000,000th person responded “dónde está El Paso?”
Filed under: International | Leave a Comment
#15: A Joke About The Bomb
According to officials with access to intelligence information, North Korea appears to be preparing a second nuclear test. Congress has responded by having cyber sex with pages.
Filed under: International | Leave a Comment
#14: A Joke About Marketing
A new startup company has begun a campaign paying bloggers $10 to write positively about McDonald’s. If I were to say “I thought that McGriddle’s was going to give me a heart attack, but it didn’t, which was a pleasant surprise.” would I get paid?
Filed under: Business | Leave a Comment
#13: A Joke About Juan Uribe
Dominican authorities issued a warrent for Chicago White Sox shortstop Juan Uribe in connection with a shooting that allegedly occured when two people were spotted near his jeep. Uribe claims that he thought he was still in the South Side of Chicago, where jeep-related shootings are generally permitted.
Filed under: International, Sports | Leave a Comment
#12: A Joke About Steve Irwin
Steve Irwin’s 8-year old daughter, Bindi, is planning to follow in her father’s foot steps with her own wildlife show. Bindi expects that the whole world is waiting for the Irwin family to get back on the horse, while the whole world is actually waiting for the family to get trampled to death.
Filed under: Television | Leave a Comment
